When Someone You Love Refuses to Heal

There will be times in your life when you are in some sort of relationship with someone who is carrying around some unhealed pain or trauma. This could be a romantic relationship or something else like a friendship.

In any case, these sorts of relationships will cause you pain and, perhaps, even trauma. The old adage that hurt people hurt people is true. This isn’t necessarily because they are mean people who desire to hurt others. That may be the farthest thing from the truth. They may be very loving people with good intentions and big hearts who are unaware of how much they’re hurting others because their own pain is blinding them.

Because you care for them, you will want them healed and whole. You will want to help them in some way. But there is another old saying that goes

“You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.”

Sometimes, people will not want to do the work required to heal or they will not see the need for healing. When that happens, though it may be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, you will need to accept that. You will need to let them live their own life in their own way. You can’t make people want to be healed. You can’t force someone to do the work.

Healing work is invasive, hard, and sometimes painful. Not everyone is up for that type of work even if it means living a live that is less than the life they could be living. You want them to live the most abundant, beautiful, and joyful life possible and you see that they are settling for a life that is so much less than that and it hurts you to watch. I know.

I’ve had people in my life who were hurting me and themselves by not healing and when I asked them to please do the necessary work to heal and for us to stay in relationship, they were not willing. Maybe they’d agree to do some work but a much easier and less invasive work than was necessary.

But if we were to find out that we had a cancerous tumor, we would not think it was enough to apply a topical cream to the area. Most likely, we would want a surgeon to go in and remove the tumor. In the same way, settling for some sort of light work is not enough if the trauma is deep. This takes us learning to turn over our pain to God and let him work in us to bring healing and peace. It takes trust and vulnerability.

But God is worthy of that trust. He’s safe and always good so you can go to him with your vulnerability and know that he will care for you. Whether you are the one who needs to heal (and really, who doesn’t need to heal from something? This is a fallen world, after all.) or the one who wants your loved one to heal, God is the answer. He’s the one who gives us the hope of eternal love with him and with others.

We also should fight for that person’s healing and change of heart with the weapons we know work- prayer, faith, and the word of God. Only the spirit can change a person. I have no power on my own to do that. So I turn to God to plead with him to heal and save those that I love.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you.

Psalm 5:11