If this is love, I don't want it
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Have you ever been in a relationship where you felt like you were constantly fighting for the other person? Fighting for their attention, approval, or love?
I think that some of us are drawn to those relationships because our egos feel gratified whenever we win what we want. If we get their attention, we feel like we’ve proven our worth. We were “enough” to catch them. This stems from insecurities.
When they withhold their attention/love/approval it bruises our ego which makes us want them more in an effort to feel worthy again. It’s a toxic, push and pull cycle.
For instance, maybe they don’t call or text for a while or they say they need time or space or they just aren’t ready for anything serious yet. But at some point they give you some of what you want. Maybe it’s a compliment. Maybe it’s some attention for a while or they refer to you as their girl or their man. They seem to be changing or becoming more interested. This excites you and makes you feel good for a moment. But then it starts again without warning. They pull back or make you feel like you were just imagining it. The texts and calls decrease.
And that makes you want them more. So you double down your efforts trying to be what they want. Before you know it, what you believe they want becomes what you want to be and you’ve lost yourself entirely. You feel constantly insecure.
When good love does come along, it feels too easy. Boring, even. Or not real because you are used to love being hard to get and full of conditions.
And walking away from that person who withholds love and intimacy feels wrong. Your attachment is so strong that walking away may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to do.
There is also the fear that you won't find a love that is healthy, healing, and whole.
But how can you find that love until you are willing to love yourself in that way? It requires self love and acceptance. You have to believe that you are worthy of that kind of love. When you get to that place, you won’t settle for anything less than true, clear, beautiful love which is the kind of love God gives us.
And when you find it, it may feel different. But don’t second guess it or throw it away just because you think it’s too easy or boring or too good to be true. This kind of love requires a healed heart to receive it.
I’ve been that person fighting for a relationship all by myself while my partner couldn’t figure out what he wanted. Sometimes he seemed all in and other times I felt like an after-thought to him.
Accepting love that was good felt scary. Being honored and cherished felt fake and sometimes boring; too simple. But once I learned my worth and healed my own heart, I was able to see good love for what it was.
Trust me. It will feel good to be with someone you don’t have to fight for. You deserve to not feel confused all the time. Love should bring clarity. Love should make you feel secure. Love should make you feel supported.
We are told in God’s word that we love because he first loved us. God has shown us what good love should look like- giving, sacrificial, selfless, full, clear….. No human is going to be able to do this perfectly but it’s the model and it’s how we should be striving to love others.