Finished

I don’t believe we’re responsible for who we attract, but who we choose to pursue a relationship with is a reflection of how we see ourselves. Feeling worthy of an equal partnership doesn’t come naturally to some of us. Certainly not for me. I can, however, feel the change slowly and surely. As I discover my private power, I’m no longer content with settling in any area of my life: not for a man, a job, or a friend. Black American culture mythologizes the "ride or die" partner. The woman willing to give everything of themselves in order to ensure the success of her mate. But what do we, as women, reap from such devotion? - Kimberly Foster, The Beauty of Self-Preservation: Learning When to Walk Away

The above quote is from an older article but I really identified with this excerpt. I’m naturally a nurturer. I’ve been drawn to men with problems and trauma because I want to help them help themselves.

I identify with her desire to help her man work through his childhood pain and see him thrive. I get her anxiety over how entrenched in his ways he is despite how they are hurting him. I empathize with her feeling unworthy of equal partnership.

However, as it turns out you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to change. You can’t want it more than them. In the end their problems become your problems, the relationship is unbalanced and unhealthy, and you are left unhappy.

I chose a road of passion and pain.

Sacrificed too much and waited in vain.

-Lauryn Hill, I Used to Love Him

Each woman will deal with this differently. Some will choose to be strong and stay while still finding a way to protect themselves. Some women will choose to be strong and leave, deciding that the only way to protect themselves is to end it all together. Either way, there will probably need to be distance of some kind created whether it’s physical or emotional. And in the case of any kind of abuse, the relationship needs to end.

When those of us who are nurturers realize that our deep empathy has caused us to put aside our better judgment when choosing life partners, I think it’s time to do some work with God to heal the parts of ourselves that keep choosing others over our own mental and emotional health. It is good to care for others. I think God is pleased with the desire to want to be a person who helps to bring healing and love to others.

But when we overlook the clear indications that someone does not want to change or does not even see the need to change, then we are wasting our time and hurting ourselves in the process. Only the Holy Spirit can change a person and bring healing. We have to learn to operate under His will and leading and not our own.

In the end, freedom is a beautiful and God-given gift.

Lauryn says it beautifully-

Father you saved me and showed me that life

Was much more than being some foolish man’s wife

Showed me that love was respect and devotion

Greater than planets, deeper than oceans

My soul was weary but now it’s replenished

Content because that part of my life is finished